Weekend Update on Stomach Bug Shutting Down High School – SNL


>>>A HIGH SCHOOL IN ILLINOIS
HAS CANCELLED CLASSES FOR A SECOND DAY AFTER MORE THAN 800
STUDENTS WERE OUT WITH A STOMACH BUG.
WHICH MAKES SENSE FOR A SCHOOL WHOSE MASCOT IS A WARM SHRIMP
COCKTAIL. [ LAUGHTER ]
ADORABLE.>>THIS WEEK MARKS THE TENTH
ANNIVERSARY OF THE iPHONE. AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE
WHEN I SAY, THANK YOU, APPLE, FOR HELPING ME IGNORE MY FAMILY.
[ LAUGHTER ] IMAGINE HOW DIFFERENT OUR LIVES
WOULD BE RIGHT NOW WITHOUT iPHONES, WITHOUT AN iPHONE YOU
WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE THAT YOUR FRIEND IS CALLING AND WAIT
UNTIL THEY STOP CALLING AND THEN TEXT THEM, WHY ARE YOU CALLING?
KIDS IN AMERICA WOULD HAVE GREAT POSTURE.
AND KIDS IN CHINA WOULD HAVE A DAY OFF.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I’M SURE THEY WOULD BE
BUILDING SOMETHING.>>>FORD HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW SUV
IN 2020. JUST IN TIME FOR PAROLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>A FEDERAL INVESTIGATION
CONCLUDED THAT THE CITY OF CHICAGO’S POLICE OFFICERS USED
EXCESSIVE FORCE AND UNFAIRLY TARGET
MINORITIES. OH, SO THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.
AS A BLACK DUDE WHO GREW UP IN THE GET DOUGH, I NEVER
UNDERSTOOD WHY COPS DON’T LIKE US.
I MEAN, BECAUSE WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
WE’RE BOTH PORTRAYED NEGATIVELY ON THE NEWS.
YOU CAN HEAR OUR CARS FROM BLOCKS AWAY.
EVERYONE GETS NERVOUS WHEN THEY THINK WE’RE FOLLOWING THEM.
WE’RE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE I KNOW WHO CAN HOP A FENCE IN BOOTS.
WE BOTH BRING OUR OWN GUNS TO FUNERALS.
I CAN GO ON AND ON. BUT THE BIGGEST SIMILARITY IS
THAT BLACK PEOPLE DON’T LIKE BEING IN CRIME INFESTED AREAS
EITHER AND I THINK THAT GETS LOST.
THAT’S WHY I HATE THE TERM BLACK ON BLACK CRIME BECAUSE IT MAKES
IT SEEM LIKE IT’S JUST A RACE ISSUE.
WHICH MAKES PEOPLE WHO AREN’T BLACK CHECK OUT.
I DON’T BLAME THEM. IF
I SAW A HEADLINE THAT SAID, WHITE WOMAN CUTS OFF WHITE MAN’S
PENIS, I WOULD BE LIKE, DAMN, WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY, I’M GLAD
I’M NOT WHITE. BUT IF YOU TOOK RACE OUT OF IT
AND THE HEADLINE SAID INSTEAD, IF HE HAD
UP WOMAN CUT OFF CHEATING MAN’S PENIS, I WOULD BE LIKE, OH, NO,
THIS AFFECTS US ALL. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]>>>WE HAVE A LOT OF POP STARS
PERFORM HERE ON “SNL.” IT TURNS OUT — THAT’S THE
WEIRDEST TRANSITION. TO PIGGYBACK ON THE CHICAGO
STUFF. WE HAVE A LOT OF POP STARS
PERFORM ON “SNL.” WE MIGHT HAVE AN EMERGING POP
STAR RIGHT HERE IN OUR CAST. HERE SO EXPLAIN IS BECK BENNETT.
>>I LOVE YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WOW, LOVE YOU.>>BECK, IS THAT A NEW HAIRCUT?
>>OH, I DIDN’T NOTICE. I GUESS SO, YEAH.
IT’S JUST NATURAL, I DON’T KNOW.>>OKAY.
SO WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOUR MUSIC CAREER?
>>THANK YOU FOR ASKING. WELL, IN A WORD, IT’S EXPLODING,
COLIN. PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THIS, BUT
MUSIC’S ALWAYS BEEN A HUGE PART AND I’VE ALWAYS LIKE LISTENED TO
THE RADIO. I LOVE SONGS.
>>SO, THEN YOU’RE LIKE A TRAINED SINGER?
>>I’M NOT AS MUCH OF A TRAINED SINGER ANYMORE.
I’M JUST SORT OF MORE OF A — I DO, I DON’T KNOW, ORIGINAL CHART
TOPPING STUFF.>>DO YOU WANT TO TRY OUT ONE OF
YOUR SONGS RIGHT NOW? ♪ EVERYBODY IS ON THE PROWL
EVERYBODY’S GOTTA GET THAT SOMETHING SOMETHING THAT
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY ♪>>THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[ APPLAUSE ]>>THAT WAS SORT OF ABOUT THE
ECONOMY AND MONEY.>>YES, YOU SAID MONEY LIKE TEN
TIMES.>>I HAVE ANOTHER ONE TOO.
>>OH, GREAT. I WAS GOING TO SAY THANKS FOR
COMING. BUT SURE, YEAH, YOU CAN DO
ANOTHER –>>FAIR WARNING.
IT’S REALLY TENDER. ♪ HONESTLY WE’RE HERE BEFORE
AND HONESTLY I’VE SEEN YOU THERE HONESTLY WE’VE BEEN
DOWN THIS ROAD ♪ [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>>THAT WAS THE WHOLE SONG?>>I DO LITTLE SONGS, COLIN.
A LOT OF SINGERS WILL DO, I DON’T KNOW, EIGHT TO TEN SONGS
IN AN ALBUM, WHEREAS I’LL DO ANYTHING FROM 300 TO 600 SONGS.
I’M AN ABSOLUTE MACHINE.>>THAT’S TOO MANY SONGS.
>>I’M ALWAYS PRODUCING.>>MAYBE SLOW IT DOWN.
WHY DON’T YOU MAYBE JUST DO ONE LITTLE SONG.
♪ THE PIN GOES IN THE PIN GOES OUT
I’M TRYING TO MAKE A BLANKET THE PIN GOES IN ♪
♪ THE PIN GOES OUT I’M SEWING
SOMETHING NEW ♪ [ APPLAUSE ]
>>ALL RIGHT, YEAH, THAT COULD BE GOOD.
♪ MAYBE IT’S A HAT OR GLOVES MAYBE IT’S A BRAND-NEW COAT
MAYBE IT’S A LITTLE STUFFED ANIMAL ♪
[ APPLAUSE ]>>THAT SONG ENDED UP BEING
ABOUT A STUFFED ANIMAL.>>WOW.
THANKS, MAN. THANKS FOR WALKING US THROUGH
THAT. I THINK THERE’S NO EASY WAY FOR
ME TO SAY THIS.>>UH-HUH.
GREAT.>>OBVIOUSLY I DON’T WANT TO
HURT YOUR FEELINGS.>>GOOD NEWS ALERT.
>>I JUST THINK AFTER LISTENING TO YOUR MUSIC —
>>I SHOULD QUIT COMEDY AND DO MUSIC FULL-TIME?
THAT’S GREAT BECAUSE I ALREADY DID IT.
♪ EVERYBODY IS ON THE PROWL ♪

6 thoughts on “Weekend Update on Stomach Bug Shutting Down High School – SNL

  1. Stop clicking on news stories with race in it….if it didn’t “sell” then they wouldn’t be pushing it ALL the time

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